a lot of (random) thoughts

so, for those of you who know me at all, you know that I am not very eloquent. Okay, let's be honest - not at all. Especially after three pregnancies:). I often feel like my brain is a hamster ball, and I am lucky if I can form coherent sentences for my kids. For example - all three of my kiddos answer to any of their three names:) - can you imagine why?!!! Anyways, for awhile now, God has been breaking my heart- for things that it has never been broken for before. and I have wanted to write about it, but did not because I did not think that I could put into words what God has been doing in my life. But I am going to give it a try - so if my rambling get to be too much - I understand! But I am going to try - For my daughter. Because, sweet girl - you have changed my life and I have not even seen your face. Yes, you have changed it the way all three of your siblings have changed it - with more love, anticipation, impatience, etc. But also in a completely different, life altering, awe inspiring way. You, my daughter, have opened my eyes to my Father's heart - His heart for the orphan and widow. Yes, before you, I could quote the scripture, and support children from afar, feeling all warm and fuzzy that I was "doing something to help". But I did not understand. Not saying that I completely understand it all now- but I am working on it - thanks to you!!! My whole life, I have always felt like something was missing, I had a need to do something but I had no idea what it was. During my time in Costa Rica, Nicaragua, and Yemen - my heart was stirred, but that was as far as I let it go. and then marriage, work, kids....I pushed back the unsettled feelings that I had because "the time is not right", or "maybe when the kids are older".....the list goes on and on.
And then God called us to you. He chose us - to be part of His plan for the orphan and widow. And I thought - great!! hopefully the unsettled feeling will go away, because now we are "doing" something. and it did, for a little while. and then it came back, bigger than ever. As I was reading adoption books, blogs, etc., the feeling got bigger. and bigger. So I began to pray more and more. That my heart would break for what breaks HIS. That I would not, could not, settle. Because you see - I know that God does not want us to stop with you. Does that mean more adoptions? Maybe. Or could it possibly mean something else? I do not know - but I wait with anticipation to see what God is going to do through us. While the mundane things of life surround me, my mind is often far away.. wondering what it is like to have one meal a day, or sleep in the open, or not have love. and I cry, often. For children like you that will never have a forever family. For women just like me that cry every night because their babies are hungry, and they can do nothing about it. Because while we might live worlds apart, we were made in the same Likeness, and I know that our mommas' hearts break for our children. So, Father God, please continue to break my heart for what breaks Yours. Please show us your plan, not ours. and my sweet daughter - your mommy is so ready to see your face, to hold you in my arms, to bring you home to your forever family. Where ever you are today - your mommy loves you, more than you can know.

Please pray

Awhile back I blogged about a little girl adopted from Serbia who was in the hospital on life support after heart surgery. Her name is Chrissie - allarepreciousinhissight.blogspot.com. Chrissie is dancing today in heaven - after coding all night in the PICU. Please pray for her family today - that they feel the peace and comfort only He can give. and if you have a minute to stop by her blog - I know that her family would appreciate your note/prayer/words of encouragement.

a fun weekend

Eric parents were here this weekend, and we took the opportunity to go into NYC for the day (I use any and every excuse that I can - I love the city!). We decided to drive this time (instead of taking the train) and found a FREE parking spot on the west side of central park. From there we walked to the subway, bought our usual day pass, and meandered on to Times Square. Let me just say - I love the city!! I love riding the subway, and people watching. Where else in the USA can you see families sightseeing to grungy teenagers to corporate execs to women dressed to go to a fancy party - all in one place?!!! I love it!!! and my kids definitely take after their mother - they love it too! So, off to a deli that eric found on-line: Ben's deli. it was fabulous. Huge over-stuffed sandwiches, plenty of room, good service - and all the kids ate!~! Yes, you read correctly - even hannah! Glory-be! after lunch we walked through Times Square to Toys'r'us - and of course we had to take Grandma and Grandpa on the four story ferris wheel! I think that I like it as much as the kids:). Then on to central park - to the zoo (we are members of the bronx zoo, so we get free admission to the central park zoo too!). It is the perfect zoo for the kids - it takes about an hour to go through - just in time for the kids to start whining about spiderman popsicles:). and just in case you were wondering - spiderman popsicles are sooooo much better than the spongebob ones!!!:). After ice cream:), we rode a few subways and found our way back to our car, and the children were oh so quiet all the way home! It was a perfect day! So, my blogging friends - anytime any of you decide you want to venture over here - I would love to have an excuse to people watch again:).

May numbers!!

We just received our official May number from our case worker at AGCI! We are officially #35 on the girl's list!!! (our march number was 50, so we moved 15 spots!!). Again, Eric and I want to say thanks for all the prayers, encouragement, and love that you are all showering us with through this journey! I cannot wait to be able to blog about our call!
Happy May!!!!

Happy Mother's Day

First - to my mother. You are my best friend, the one I go to when I need encouragement, you constantly motivate to be my best/do my best, you unconditionally love me (even when I am losing it!), you give me a beautiful example of pure love - through your love of Christ and your love of your family. You gave me life, and so much more. Words can never express how much you mean to me - I am who I am today because of you.
Second - to all the mother's who have been and are a part of my life. You are what keep me going when my monkeys are being monkeys:). You encourage me, with simple calls, hugs, and your presence. You make me smile when I see your number on my phone. You listen to me cry, laugh, whine, and rejoice. You share your life with me, and I with you.
Third - to Kyria's mother/father/family. My heart is heavy for the first time on Mother's Day. Thinking of a completely different way of life, of living day to day. Of hunger. Of uncertainty. Oh, my heart aches for all the mothers who have chosen life for their children, even though that life may not be with them.
Mothers- such a simple word - heavy with meaning. My heart is blessed by being a mother, and by the presence of so many wonderful mommies and mommies-to-be in my life! Today I am celebrating you!!!

Happy Nurses Week

When I am not being a full-time mommy to my fabulous three kiddos, I have the pleasure of being a nurse. I have always wanted to be a nurse. My mom is a nurse, and in high school I had no doubt that I was going to go to college to get my Bachelors of Science in Nursing. And so I did. And for those of you that do not know me, it was during a three month service term in Costa Rica/Nicaragua that I began to develop a calling. To be a burn nurse. Yep, you read correctly. In my junior year I traveled to Yemen, where I worked in a hospital taking care of burn patients. As soon as I graduated, Eric and I were married and I moved down to Chapel Hill, NC (he was getting his PhD in physics there) and began working at the North Carolina Jaycee Burn Center. The things that I have seen and done I pray that my children will never experience. But through all the horror, pain and suffering that I saw on a day-to-day basis, God's grace shown through. In the 5 year old abuse victim, in the 40 year old dad of three, in the 19 year college student. To minister to the patients and their families during such a terrible time in their lives - it was not by my strength that I cared for my patients. God definitely put a calling on my life. After almost 7 years there, God moved us to NY, where I am now working in an ICU - and completely enjoying my non-stressful job. I have been a nurse for 10 years, and it is one of the hardest, dirtiest, messiest, most rewarding jobs (other than mothering and teaching) that I can think of. So, to all the nurses out there who take care of us and our loved ones during our toughest moments, to the nurses who save us from the doctors (oh yes:), to the nurses who listen endlessly to your family members:), to my nurses who save my brain from mommy-itis two or three times a month = THANK YOU!!!!