keeping it real

okay, so this is not just a blog about our adoption, or about our family - it is also about our lives together,  the good and the bad.  I want our daughter to be able to read these entries in the years to come and tangibly know how much we loved her before we knew her, how we longed for her before we saw her face.  This blog is also a way for me to write down my feelings, kind of my own personal journal that I am letting you all read:).  So, here it goes (this is not going to be a normal light-hearted post - just warning you)
I have had a couple of really tough days.  Incredibly tough.  for a multitude of reasons (most of which I am not going to list here:).  My heart aches.  Physically aches.  It is often hard to breathe.  And it is so hard to explain.  so this next part is going to be jumbled.  We were put on the waitlist the end of February - and were told 8-10 months.  So my mind did the math, and Christmas is the end of ten months.  So I began to tell myself - if nothing else we would see her picture by Christmas.  This thought has kept me going for 10 months.  10 MONTHS!!  if I was pregnant I would be so overdue!  now, the time frame that is given in inconsequential - they could have said 20 months, and when the 20 months were almost over - I would be going crazy too.  It is just the way my mind works.  My hormonal, like to be in control mind.  So, everyday starts like this.....it is a new day, full of referral possibilities.  As the hours tick by, I am acutely aware of exactly what time it is, and what time it is in OR, where are agency is, and how many hours they will still be there.  Just in case.  And then 6pm hits, and that is pretty much the end - no more calls.  and all day long I tell myself that it is okay, I do crazy things Martha Stewart like to keep my mind and hands occupied - but it does matter.  to me.  and then the night is hard.  but tomorrow is a new day....ready for me to wait again:).  And I know all the right things to say to myself - God has picked our daughter for us and His timing is perfect....I could go on and on.  And I pray - I have prayed for peace and patience more in the last month than ever before.  And I listen to worship music - but Hillsong just makes me cry even harder:).  And if you have never gone through it - I am crazy to you.  To ache for a little girl half way around the world that I have never seen and have no biological ties to....crazy.  But that is me.  Eric has been so very patient and understanding with me, but he also has had no idea.  When we were pregnant with our first child,  I know that he did not feel connected to Noah until he held him for the first time.  So I expected with Jadon and Hannah it would be the same way - and it was.  And so it is with this.  I think that he is done waiting because he is done with putting up with me!:)  Anyways, last night I was up (cannot sleep any more) and praying (I pray a lot in the middle of the night - if you ever need prayer - I'm your girl!) and I was trying to come up with something that would explain to Eric how I was feeling.  and then this morning it hit me.  and hit him, once I told him.  So, for all you adopting mommas our there - I know that you know the ache that I am talking about.  But for the rest of you - here goes.......Pretend that one of your kiddos disappears (why is not important).  you do a ton of paperwork, and finally are told that in 8-10 months, you will see a picture of their face and find out how they are.  during this time, you have no idea what is happening to them.  are they hungry? cold? lonely? do they have someone to hold them when they cry?  Are they told that they are precious and loved?  You are a mess.  There is nothing you can do.  8 months go by, and nothing.  9 months, nothing.  you are nearing the end of 10 months, and still nothing.  each day brings hope for the call, and then despair without it.  each night brings tears, longing to see their face again and know that they are okay, that they are safe and loved.  I know that it is a stretch, because she is not ours yet, but this momma's heart longs and aches for her daughter like I did not know it could.
Precious little one - you momma loves you more than you will ever know.  You were born in my heart one year ago.  You are so incredibly wanted, prayed for and loved.  I cannot imagine my life without you already.  Hold on - we are so close.....