a lot of (random) thoughts

so, for those of you who know me at all, you know that I am not very eloquent. Okay, let's be honest - not at all. Especially after three pregnancies:). I often feel like my brain is a hamster ball, and I am lucky if I can form coherent sentences for my kids. For example - all three of my kiddos answer to any of their three names:) - can you imagine why?!!! Anyways, for awhile now, God has been breaking my heart- for things that it has never been broken for before. and I have wanted to write about it, but did not because I did not think that I could put into words what God has been doing in my life. But I am going to give it a try - so if my rambling get to be too much - I understand! But I am going to try - For my daughter. Because, sweet girl - you have changed my life and I have not even seen your face. Yes, you have changed it the way all three of your siblings have changed it - with more love, anticipation, impatience, etc. But also in a completely different, life altering, awe inspiring way. You, my daughter, have opened my eyes to my Father's heart - His heart for the orphan and widow. Yes, before you, I could quote the scripture, and support children from afar, feeling all warm and fuzzy that I was "doing something to help". But I did not understand. Not saying that I completely understand it all now- but I am working on it - thanks to you!!! My whole life, I have always felt like something was missing, I had a need to do something but I had no idea what it was. During my time in Costa Rica, Nicaragua, and Yemen - my heart was stirred, but that was as far as I let it go. and then marriage, work, kids....I pushed back the unsettled feelings that I had because "the time is not right", or "maybe when the kids are older".....the list goes on and on.
And then God called us to you. He chose us - to be part of His plan for the orphan and widow. And I thought - great!! hopefully the unsettled feeling will go away, because now we are "doing" something. and it did, for a little while. and then it came back, bigger than ever. As I was reading adoption books, blogs, etc., the feeling got bigger. and bigger. So I began to pray more and more. That my heart would break for what breaks HIS. That I would not, could not, settle. Because you see - I know that God does not want us to stop with you. Does that mean more adoptions? Maybe. Or could it possibly mean something else? I do not know - but I wait with anticipation to see what God is going to do through us. While the mundane things of life surround me, my mind is often far away.. wondering what it is like to have one meal a day, or sleep in the open, or not have love. and I cry, often. For children like you that will never have a forever family. For women just like me that cry every night because their babies are hungry, and they can do nothing about it. Because while we might live worlds apart, we were made in the same Likeness, and I know that our mommas' hearts break for our children. So, Father God, please continue to break my heart for what breaks Yours. Please show us your plan, not ours. and my sweet daughter - your mommy is so ready to see your face, to hold you in my arms, to bring you home to your forever family. Where ever you are today - your mommy loves you, more than you can know.