Thursday, December 30, 2010

one day at a time

again - it has been forever since I have posted - about a month ago I was pretty sure that the next post would be about our referral. no such luck. we are still waiting at number 2. and it stinks. no matter how hard I try each day to forget about the phone ringing, or not wonder if today will be the day - I still do. a million times a day. our 10 month waiting list "anniversary" has passed, and still nothing. when we signed with AGCI, we were given a time frame of 8-10 months for a referral. So in my mind, I knew that we would get one before christmas. I think that is why it is so incredibly hard. I never stopped to think that it might go over ten months. that was my fault - I should know by now that nothing in this adoption journey goes as planned. There are very concrete reasons why we have not received a referral yet (embassy dates for traveling families have been postponed - thus there is literally no room at the inn:). I can remind myself of this fact one hundred times an hour - but it still does not help. This momma's heart is breaking over her little one. Trusting in Him - that is the only thing that is keeping me from going completely insane. It is so hard to watch other families get referrals, and travel, etc......and to still be waiting. THis does not mean that I am not overflowing with excitement for all the families that are bringing their little ones into their homes, but my very human mind often wants to wander into the world of "it's not fair, why not us, etc". This journey has stretched me more than anything else in my life. It is not about me. At all. and oh how I hate the little devil that sits on my shoulder day in and day out, whispering selfish little thoughts. one day at a time. even though the hours seem to drag, and the phone never rings. one day at a time.

This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here
And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be empited again
The seed I've recieved I will sow

Thursday, December 16, 2010

His perfect peace

oh my sweet friends - thank you all so much for the prayers that were lifted up for us this week.  Tuesday and wednesday were such bad days, full of anxiety and impatience.  But He makes each day new - and even up with Jadon at 4:30 - I could tell that today was going to be a blessed day.  I love waking up early and going downstairs to a quiet house.  I started a fire, brewed a cup of tea, and read a book.  For 90 minutes.  Just me.  No noise, no distractions, no whining, no fighting - you get the picture.  I prayed - for His peace to come over me today, that I would not be anxious but that I would enjoy just today.  And not worry about tomorrow.  or the next day.  or Christmas without a referral.  And today is such a good day.  I feel at peace.  Finally.  This is not to say that tomorrow will not be a bad day - because odds are it will be.  But today is full of blessings.  Hanging out with close friends (Emily and Gini - I am amazed that you put up with me:), eating cookies (my favorite food), cuddling with my kiddos before school, a rheumatologist appointment for me that did not require any more blood to be taken ( yeah me!), a daughter sleeping in her bed.  Thank you for this peaceful day

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

keeping it real

okay, so this is not just a blog about our adoption, or about our family - it is also about our lives together,  the good and the bad.  I want our daughter to be able to read these entries in the years to come and tangibly know how much we loved her before we knew her, how we longed for her before we saw her face.  This blog is also a way for me to write down my feelings, kind of my own personal journal that I am letting you all read:).  So, here it goes (this is not going to be a normal light-hearted post - just warning you)
I have had a couple of really tough days.  Incredibly tough.  for a multitude of reasons (most of which I am not going to list here:).  My heart aches.  Physically aches.  It is often hard to breathe.  And it is so hard to explain.  so this next part is going to be jumbled.  We were put on the waitlist the end of February - and were told 8-10 months.  So my mind did the math, and Christmas is the end of ten months.  So I began to tell myself - if nothing else we would see her picture by Christmas.  This thought has kept me going for 10 months.  10 MONTHS!!  if I was pregnant I would be so overdue!  now, the time frame that is given in inconsequential - they could have said 20 months, and when the 20 months were almost over - I would be going crazy too.  It is just the way my mind works.  My hormonal, like to be in control mind.  So, everyday starts like is a new day, full of referral possibilities.  As the hours tick by, I am acutely aware of exactly what time it is, and what time it is in OR, where are agency is, and how many hours they will still be there.  Just in case.  And then 6pm hits, and that is pretty much the end - no more calls.  and all day long I tell myself that it is okay, I do crazy things Martha Stewart like to keep my mind and hands occupied - but it does matter.  to me.  and then the night is hard.  but tomorrow is a new day....ready for me to wait again:).  And I know all the right things to say to myself - God has picked our daughter for us and His timing is perfect....I could go on and on.  And I pray - I have prayed for peace and patience more in the last month than ever before.  And I listen to worship music - but Hillsong just makes me cry even harder:).  And if you have never gone through it - I am crazy to you.  To ache for a little girl half way around the world that I have never seen and have no biological ties to....crazy.  But that is me.  Eric has been so very patient and understanding with me, but he also has had no idea.  When we were pregnant with our first child,  I know that he did not feel connected to Noah until he held him for the first time.  So I expected with Jadon and Hannah it would be the same way - and it was.  And so it is with this.  I think that he is done waiting because he is done with putting up with me!:)  Anyways, last night I was up (cannot sleep any more) and praying (I pray a lot in the middle of the night - if you ever need prayer - I'm your girl!) and I was trying to come up with something that would explain to Eric how I was feeling.  and then this morning it hit me.  and hit him, once I told him.  So, for all you adopting mommas our there - I know that you know the ache that I am talking about.  But for the rest of you - here goes.......Pretend that one of your kiddos disappears (why is not important).  you do a ton of paperwork, and finally are told that in 8-10 months, you will see a picture of their face and find out how they are.  during this time, you have no idea what is happening to them.  are they hungry? cold? lonely? do they have someone to hold them when they cry?  Are they told that they are precious and loved?  You are a mess.  There is nothing you can do.  8 months go by, and nothing.  9 months, nothing.  you are nearing the end of 10 months, and still nothing.  each day brings hope for the call, and then despair without it.  each night brings tears, longing to see their face again and know that they are okay, that they are safe and loved.  I know that it is a stretch, because she is not ours yet, but this momma's heart longs and aches for her daughter like I did not know it could.
Precious little one - you momma loves you more than you will ever know.  You were born in my heart one year ago.  You are so incredibly wanted, prayed for and loved.  I cannot imagine my life without you already.  Hold on - we are so close.....